Thursday, 4 February 2010

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

So, all the whining I got about posting that sexy Neil-Patrick-Harris-dressed-as-a-scary-clown picture, you'd think I'd learn a lesson. Well, I did. I learned you guys are pussies. If I loved you, I would post some sort of.... I don't know....

But fuck it, you guys can fend for yourselves. Fucking pussies.

Yeah, you know what? I'm scared of clowns, too. But as with so very many things I am/have been scared of...

... the fear is completely entwined in my psyche with sex. (Yes, I would completely sex the Alien Queen. WHAT?!?!)

I think most of my generation can blame their fear of clowns on Stephen King and Tim Curry. Pennywise made clown-fear... well... accessible, easy, and trendy.

Yes. Trendy. I am comparing your fear to the Jonas Brothers. Let me guess, you bought one of those "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me..." shirts from Hot Topic.

I read IT at about the same time the miniseries first aired, 1990 or so. I was 9 that year. I was pretty much the same age as the kids in the book. That's too early to read that book. That's too early to see my even-then-already-beloved Tim Curry basically turn on me and scare me shitless.

But well before that, I had clown issues. My dad finds it amusing to lie to children. I have to admit, when my brother was born, I totally joined in. He may very well still believe that "furley" is the worst curse word on earth, I don't know. When I was very, very little, dad convinced me the number 5 was evil. I was horrified to pass apartment #5 in our complex. He also instilled me with the notion that clowns are filthy and carry diseases, and one should never get near, let alone touch a clown. Thanks, dad. So, by the time IT rolled around, I was already dead scared of those painty fuckers.

The one exception, already seeding my eventual clown-repel-attract-run-away-hump-frantically-ambivalence, was the Joker. If parents don't raise their kids with a healthy respect for Batman, then they're bad parents. I knew and loved Mistah J. And then Tim Burton's Batman came out in '89. It shaped me in a lot of ways, not least of all by drastically affecting my miniature, budding sexuality by throwing Jack Nicholson as the Joker at me.

Holy wow. Just.... just look at that for awhile. Mmm.....

The Joker is a clown, and I will brook no argument. He is the Clown Prince Of Crime. He is pure sex and madness. When they invented Harley for the cartoon, it's like.... they stole her from inside my head.

And then we have Captain Spaulding, my third biggest clown-crush.

He's the kind of dirty, filthy clown my daddy warned me about.
"Don't we make you laugh? Ain't we fuckin' funny?"

Wait! He's your third biggest clown crush? What's Mistah J, then?
Well, he's my second. Second biggest clown crush, that's right, I said it. There is one sexy clown to rule them all.
My husband.
Mmm. I'd hit that.
Oh wait.
So, yeah. Here. Have a bunch of scary, distressing, sexy, funny, clowny shit. Enjoy. Or don't.


  1. My favorite was that clown from Spawn I believe his name was "Clown," how original ... His mother must not have liked him very much to name him that.

  2. He's AWESOME. But yeah, I'd be picking a better clown name.