It's 3 a.m. Do you know where your Patience Ann is?

• I obsess over myself.
• Sometimes I obsess over you.
• I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If you like something, fucking like it. This is why I have no problem admitting to you that I know (and love) every word to Summer Girls by LFO and dip my cinnamon twisty things from Taco Bell in nacho cheese, and I adore Hannah Montana.
• I want a breast lift.
• I cheat at things.
• And get a total rush from it.
  
• I miss pubic hair in porn.
• I resent the Star Wars prequels.
  
• Sloth is my favorite sin.
• Envy is my most committed sin.
  
• I enjoy lists.
• I used to have the world's most perfect bellybutton but too many surgeries have made it not cute and slightly lopsided.
• I cried into my husband's severed ponytail when he got me to cut it off today.
• I believe in fairies.
• I'm petrified of the dark.
• I was a dancer for slightly longer than I was a Girl Scout.
• I can put both my legs behind my head.
  
• I have the hiccups right this second.
• I would take a bullet for my cat.
• I hate people who get grumpy about holidays. Any holidays. Don't come whining to me about Valentine's Day if you're single. When I've been single on Valentine's Day, I've treated myself to new lingerie & a bottle of champagne, and had a wonderful time by myself.
• These hiccups are driving me batshit.
• The only tea I don't like is lapsang souchong.
• I got married barefoot.
• I did my first tattoo with an Xacto knife and India ink sitting on the floor of my dorm in college:
• I kick my husband's ass at Tekken.
• I have to pee.
• For the majority of my life, from about 11 to 26, I refused to be seen outside my own bedroom without makeup.
• This is me without makeup:
• And I'm ok with that.
• My list of regrets is so far entirely comprised of things I didn't do that I should have. Or more likely shouldn't have, but would have been fun anyway.
• The sound of someone brushing their teeth makes me cringe inside and want to die. It hurts in my brain. I use an electric toothbrush because of this.
• I know every single line of dialogue from Wayne's World.
• When I was very little & someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would answer (entirely sincerely) "a mommy and a Thermos."
• I am on quite a lot of medication.
• Cinderella by Titian Beresford is my favorite porno novel of all time.
  
• I have panic attacks if I find myself without lip balm.
• I knit at a much tighter gauge when I'm angry.
• There is a very long list of books/movies that I love and reread/rewatch frequently, but that I don't read/watch all the way to the end because the endings are sad.
• I currently have on 59 bracelets.