Oscars. 2010.

So, ok. I'm in my Snuggie, we've got E! on. We're doing it right this year instead of watching the Sky red carpet coverage where nobody wants to talk to the lame British presenters... 4 more minutes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians... that's unfortunate.

I'mma knit on my awesome scarf I'm doing out of my awesome Regia yarn...

 (those colors just don't come out right in a photo. It's so beautiful, that doesn't even come close)

...and maybe some on my feather & fan scarf with my Lady Of Shalott yarn if I get bored.

What? I like rainbow triangular scarves.

EEEE RYAN SEAQUEST DSV IS ON!!!!! IT'S STARTING!!!!!

Yeah, so... it's 11pm. Bedtime. The cat's mad because we're not going to bed. She doesn't like her routine upset.

Crap, the first person Seaquest is talking to is from stinky Avatar.

Ok, no... I haven't seen it. I don't *want* to see it. I've seen Fern Gully, it was the same but much better, and it had Tim Curry. Also Dances With Wolves. Also Pocahontas.

Mister Jay Manuel is wearing a tablecloth for a jacket, what's up with that?

Who's Anna Kendrick? Her dress is real pretty.
OOOH Mariska Hargitay!!!!! Jayne would be proud of her little girl.

Oooh Mo'nique (did I get that random, unnecessary punctuation in the right place?) looks GORGEOUS and a half. That flower in her hair... Wow, so hot.

ONOES IT'S RAINING!!!
Oh how sad!!!
That doesn't happen!!!!

Oh, ok, now it's not raining. That lasted maybe a full 30 seconds. Silly California.

LOL, my husband's already moaning about fucking stupid Claudia fucking Winkleman & we won't even see her for hours. :DD "That's her job, to piss us off during the Oscars."
He is apt.

OH EW! Mariah Carey. She's...  well... I love trash. I *am* trash. But she's not my sort of trash.

Seaquest, stop plugging Idol.
WHY IS MY CAT LICKING MY SNUGGIE????
ROFL!!!! Mickey Rooney WTF??!?!
Husband: "Is he not dead yet???"

Ugh, more Avatar lameness. The chick from it, her dress is just too much. I'm not a fan. Pick gradient, ruffles, OR sequins. Seriously. Choose one. Don't do all of them.

Joel Madden is a douche. Nicole Richie looks too severe. They fail.
Vera Farmiga. Whoozat? Her dress is also too much. What the shit, ruffles? Stop with the ruffles.

Oooh, he said Ryan Reynolds was coming up next, but I bet he will have his ARMS in a jacket. Ryan Reynolds's ARMS should win an Oscar of their own.

GODDAMMIT, CAT, STOP BEING NAUGHTY, WE ARE NOT GOING TO BED JUST TO SATISFY YOU, THE TV IS DOWN HERE.

Aw, man, yeah, his arms are in a jacket. *pout*
Lulz, Seaquest is a nerd. The awe in his voice when he asked Reynolds "what was it like when you put the costume on for the first time??" about Green Lantern. Lulz. Geek.
Jason Reitman is cute. OOH he has a twitter?? *runs off*
*follows*
*runs back*

OOH Sarsgaaaaaard & Gyllenhall, are they together?!?!?! WANT TO BE IN SAMMICH.
Shut up James Cameron. You're stupid.

I'm sorry James Cameron.
I love you.
Please forgive me.
I love everything else you've like, EVER done.

I just can't get into Avatar.
Sorry.

Ooooh, Maggie Gyllenhall's dress is FANTASTIC. It reminds me of a handpainted ballet costume I had once, the year I danced to Imagine & made everyone cry.

OOOH I SAW CHRISTOPH WALTZ!!!! BASTERDS FTW!!!


Ok, I have to pee. I'm drinking SO MUCH WATER lately because of the impending IVF, and I have the world's tiniest bladder already, so I'm pretty much peeing all the time.

I wish my Snuggie wasn't so long, I'd just wear it to the bathroom. I'm that classy. But I can't walk in it.

OMG *GLOMPS SIGOURNEY WEAVER* 

I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHE'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I LOVE YOU RIPLEEEEYYYY!!!!
She's gonna POLE DANCE in something??!?!?! I have had dreams about that.
Ok, I'mma go make coffee now.

Tina Fey, you are so lovely. She looks so elegant. And I still see Christoph Waltz back there.
Ooooh Carey Mulligan HOT HOT HOT. Doctor Who to the Oscars. Gotta love it.
OMGOMGOMG Sandra Bullock looks GORGEOUS. So far she wins dresses for me.
Oooh, more Basterds. Diane Kruger. Not pretty. A handsome woman. Gorgeous dress, she can rock that weird shape, whereas it would make me look like a balloon. I quite like her.
Oh Sandy looks so scared. But so beautiful. And her hair is perfect. Just long and down and sleek. Yes. She wins the entire look for me so hard. So far.

Heh. I want to see Precious, badly. Husband wants to see stupid Avatar. I have no desire to see that, he has no desire to see Precious. Sounds like a date.

Is Faith Hill wearing black lace tights???? STRUMPET!!! There is no excuse for that ever. Or is it an insert behind the slit on her dress? I can't tell. Ugh. I don't like her. Tim McGraw: King of jalepeno Fritos.

Ah, little Mama Mia blonde girl looks ok. A bit severe with the pulled back hair, what's up with so much of that tonight? AHMAHGAH SHE IS DOING A "SEXY GOTHIC DARK" RED RIDING HOOD?!?!!?!?
*squeeeee*
Husband just looked at me. He knows me.
What? Fairy tales are important to me.
Fairy tales are important, period.
They're more true than you realize.

EEE Jake Gyllenhall!!!! Hooray!!!!! His head is MASSIVE. Seriously, how does he hold it up?!?!?! I can't believe he & Reese broke up. That nearly made me as sad as Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins splitting.

AHMAHGAH ANTONIO BANDERAS'S BEARD IS SO HOT. Beards ftmfw.
BEARDS BEARDS BEARDS BEARDS BEARDS.
Beards win.

Someone has a really pretty dropped waistline behind Jake.
Heh heh heh. Behind Jake. Where Heath belongs. ROWR.
Which reminds me, the fucking In Memoriam is gonna be rough this year. It was not a good year.

I'mma cry. A lot.

I have to pee again.

OMG MILEY CYRUS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BUT WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR UNDERWEAR?!?!?!? Aw! Husband just referred to her mom as "Mummy Ray Cyrus." Bless. I <3 Mommy Cyrus's angel wings tat. So pretty.

HAHAHAAA!!!!! He just started giggling like a maniac when they said "let's look at Sarah Jessica Parker" and said "That's a sentence I never want to hear."

God, she looks like a foot in a sack.

Poor Broderick. He looks chagrined.
And bloated.

Oooh, not so much with the loving Charlize Theron's dress. No no no. I mean, if you haven't got a rack, you want to draw attention to what you have, but that's just not pretty.

Fuck's sake, I have to pee again.

It's impossible to see Matt Damon or even hear his name without saying it like the puppet of him in Team America. *sigh*

OMNOMNOMCOLINFIRTH.

That color looks so beautiful on Queen Latifah. She is so magnificent. GOD, that color on her, seriously. It's amazing. She's glowing. Delicious. Absolutely bloody delicious.
Aaaaand Meryl Streep also looks radiant. So classy. Not like I'm classy, in my leopard Snuggie. Really classy. Proper classy.

J-LO!!!!!!!
Iridescent pink GIGANTIC DRESS FTW!!!! Love it. Love her. She looks like Latina Princess Barbie. She's so fab. She's classy like I'm classy. I bet her Snuggie is leopard print.

NO KEANU NO DON'T GROW A GROSS PATCHY BEARD. UR DOIN IT RONG. Do it like Banderas or don't do it at all.

Remember that episode of Beavis & Butthead where they glued hair to their face to make beards? Yeah. Keanu is Butthead.

Other chick from Precious is AWESOME. I LOVE HER. "If fashion was porn, this dress would be the money shot."  I LOVE HER. I just can't pronounce or spell her name, so I'm just gonna call her Other Chick From Precious.

I would hang out with her. She's my kind of people. I'd be squeeing all over the red carpet just like she's doing. She is awesome and I love her.

I did notice all the nude and blush shades at the start of awards season, and I approve. I'd look good in a peachy one, I think. Like Joanie from Mad Men had at the Globes.

 

I mean, not THAT good. I could never look THAT good. NOBODY could EVER look THAT good. She is special. Like, once in a lifetime beautifullest woman alive special. But I could pull off that COLOR. That's all. We have similar coloring. Oh god she's amazing. Seriously. She probably is the most beautiful woman alive right now. She's Marilyn beautiful. Like, beautiful for all time beautiful. Christina Hendricks is *SPECIAL.*

SQUEEEEEE ROBERT DOWNEY JR!!!!!! I LOVE YOU FOREVER TONY STARK. YOU HAD YELLOW SCRUNCHY SOCKS ON WITH YOUR SHORTS IN WEIRD SCIENCE AND YOU ARE MY BOOOOOOOYFRIEEEEEND!!!!!!!!!

Gerard Butler is lumpy. I adore him, like, as a dude, and an actor, but I don't drool like most women seem to. He seems really sweet and yeah, he's all ripped & stuff, but he just doesn't do it for me.

I have to pee again.

NO MUSTN'T PEE, IT'S JEFF BRIDGES.

The Dude abides.

Will pee when he's done being awesome on my tv.

Ok. Peed. I'm *SO* not drinking any more water tonight. Fuck them shitz, I'm not gonna be up and down every 5 seconds during the ceremony. Nuh-uh.

I feel like I need some perfume. What goes well with a leopard Snuggie and the Oscars? Nothing new & exciting, I'm not blogging BPAL tonight. I'mma go with Pannychis. "Nighttime festivities" seems right, and I've been in a real jasminey place lately. :)

Cameron Diaz looks like a praying mantis. IS TIME FOR AWARDS NAO PLZ?

IT'S TIBERIUS!!!!!!!
WOOOOO CAPTAIN KIRK!!!!!!!
Not Shatner, unfortunately. The other one.

WE CAN HAS OSCARS?!?!?

I'm a little wary of having 2 hosts.
ONOES FUCKING WINKLEMAN NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I hate her hate her hate her. This is who I hate:

She has ruined every American awards show since I've lived in England. She just runs off at the mouth about crap about which she knows nothing. I hate her, I hate her eyeliner, I hate her bangs, I want her to just stop.

What other insulting, idiotic talking heads does she have with her tonight? Ooh, David Baddiel, that's good. I like that. Even if he looks *disturbingly* like my ex. Like... uncannily. Frighteningly like my ex. It freaks me out. Ronnie Ancona..... I know I've heard of her... seen her on panel shows... I dunno. I don't remember if I like her or not. And.... some douchey looking kid in a tie that's about four inches too wide and PeeWee Herman white shoes.

I hope Baldwin's like, WAY drunk. That would be best.

THIS IS WHY WINKLEMAN IS A TWUNT:
She just said Hugh Jackman looks identical to Richard Madeley.

Yeah, no.

And maybe that did take a little longer than I'd expected. I got distracted image searching Jackman. Sorry.
OMNOMNOM SNIKT.

Might as well pee while this wide tie twunt is talking to stupid eyeliner fringey twunt.


SO TIRED OF PEEING.

Please can we just not have Winkleman?
OOH WE HAVE CANDY!!!!

Heh. Montage of British people winning Oscars. Bless.

WHEN DOES THE FUCKING SHOW START?!?!?!
Fuck this noise. I'mma go play some Fallen London.
There was a lizard in my room and the lady next door with a fossil collection and holes in her red stockings became obsessed with me, and now I seem to be stuck in a room with a fountain and some guests.
My husband thought the Pannychis smelled like nail polish. Fail.

WHY CAN'T WE SEE WHAT'S GOING ON??? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE FUCKING WINKLEMAN.



Ohthankgod. Is can be Oscars tiem nao.

Oooh, Robin Williams looks hot. So, wait, what? All these people onstage for why? That seemed pointless.

AHHHMAAAHHHH GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS OMGOMGOMG *HYPERVENTILATE*

So much love. Why aren't there Music Meister action figures? NPH IS SO SPARKLY OMG I LOVE HIM.

So many sexy beards this year, seriously.

Mmmm Woody in his hemp tux. SOFINE. He's like, my total kindred spirit.

Christopher Plummer. SO fuckin' classy, in the most mega egotistical best sort of self-aware way. LOVE HIM.

YAY THE JERK REFERENCE EARLY! YAY STEVE MARTIN.

ROFLROFLROFL. Oh, Woody.

"He's so high."

And it's funny. 'Cause he is.

OMG everyone on twitter is BITCHING.
About EVERYTHING.
Y'all are oversensitive and butthurt and lame.

Our candy is gone. :(

The Dude abides.


Clooney's deadpan face = Kermit the Frog's frustrated face.

Penelope Cruz = My Little Pony.

Yet another great husband quote: "Well, I'd love Woody to win, but he'd hollow it out and make a bong."

Lovely Bones looks *nothing* like the book, but I still have a sick sort of desire to see it.
C'MON CHRISTOPH!!!!!!
YEAAAAAHHHH.

Alright, first award. Who's it gonna be???

AAWWWW YEAH WALTZ FTW, BAYBEEEEEE!!!!!!
"Uber bingo."
I love him.
But yeah, this is what Basterds wins. This is its consolation prize. It's got nothing else, I bet.

RYAN REYNOLDS TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.
It's the only thing that makes you ok.

Ooh, I really wanna see The Blind Side. It looks great.

I haven't had a picture of something in awhile.
Let's look at NPH.

Ah. That's nice.
Ooh, David Baddiel's never heard of him. That's a shame.
I'd reallyreallyREALLY rather see the US commercials than this fucking Winkleman filler.

Why are they questioning the schtick with Clooney? It was obviously scripted with him, and it was hilarious. OF COURSE he was "in the know." Stupid Winkleman.

LOL. Cameron Diaz. She's high too, isn't she?

Cameron Diaz. Insectile.

YAY CORALINE!!!!!
When I grow up I want to be The Other Mother.

AWWWW YEAHHHH PRINCESS & THE FROOOOGGGG!!!!!

I just... *AM* Lottie.

Of course Up won. That is not a shocker. Oh well.
Hooray for Disney!!!

AHMAHGAH I LOVE YOU HANNAH MONTANAAAAA!!!!!!!

Stand up straight, Miley!!! You've got the goods, show 'em off.

I loved The Princess & The Frog more than life itself, but it MUSTN'T win for best song, as that would only encourage Randy Newman.
He must be stopped.

God, I wanna see Nine.
And I *NEED* to see Crazy Heart.

AWWW!!!! "I love you more than rainbows" is like, the sweetest thing I have ever heard.

GAHHHH SHUT UP STUPID BRITISH FILLER PEOPLE YOU ARE SPOILING UP FOR ME.

OMNOMNOM Robert Downey Jr is my boyfriend.

His tie is blooooooo. He is hotttttt.

LMAO sickly little mole people. God, I love him.

Here. Have a star-nosed mole.

Alright, Hurt Locker!!!! Is this a consolation prize or the start of a trend? I WANT IT TO BEAT AVATAR, PLEASE.

Anyone who really, genuinely believes that a fucking CGI-vomitsplat of blue people is a better movie than The Hurt Locker needs a swift kick to the taint.

Oh, Molly Ringwald. It took me too long to recognize you but you are so beautiful. And I am going to cry over John Hughes. *sigh*
We did just watch Weird Science last night.
Let the blubbing begin.

Holy fucking shit the Brat Pack.
Yeah. Blubbing.

Mmmmmmacaulay Culkin.
Would.

Hard.

Dry my tears, Sam Jackson, you BAMF.

Aw, little French man, don't apologize for your accent!!!

I AM SCARED WHEN CAREY MULLIGAN IS ON BECAUSE WEEPING ANGELS MIGHT BE AROUND.

And that's just not ok.

This shouting, gesticulating, Kanye-ing redheaded woman is terrifying.

NOT ME, SHUTTUP. I have purple hair now.

 

Check out the Snuggie hotness.

They really are rushing this entire thing dreadfully. I fucking PREFER long, drawn out, overrun Oscars. These people done good, they deserve to blub and have mouth-diarrhea.
LOL at Ben Stiller.

AHMAHGAH  STAR TREK CAN HAS OSCAR PLZ?????
AWWWWW FUCK YEAH BITCH GEEKERY WIN MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!

LIVE LONG AND FUCKING PROSPER, BITCHESSSSSSSSSSS.

UNNH, who's your daddy???

Ah, The Dude.

You know, I think it can be drinking time now.
KoolAid & vodka? That's classy enough, I think.
Precious for adapted screenplay, not surprised. Reallyreally wanna see it.

I'm running out of steam here. Not because I'm tired, but because the Oscars are BORING ME.

I think we need some nekkid.

Oooh Queen Latifah.
She's just so purty.

Oooh, so is Lauren Bacall. CLASSY. For reals classy, not me classy.
Roger Corman, however, is ME classy. ;)

Yup, Robin Williams is lookin pretty sexy.
Ah, a proper award, Supporting Actress.
This one should be interetsing.

I should just put my knitting away, I haven't touched it since EARLY in the red carpet stuff.
GODS, I wanna see Crazy Heart.

Yay arbitrary punctuation Mo'Nique.
This has all been reeeally predictable.

So far.

AWWWW YEAH, THANKIN' HATTIE MCDANIEL. FTMFW.

WTF was that face about, Sam Jackson?

I heart vodka.

Tesco Value Vodka. You know it's worth it.
I have to pee.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU.

Fuck you, Avatar.

HUSBAND, DON'T GIVE THE CAT BEER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Play the music, shut this douche up.
NOOOOOO NOT MORE SJP.
GROSS.

A foot in a sack. Beef jerky wrapped in vomit. Mister Ed. I've heard some good SJP comparisons tonight.

And why does Tom Ford talk like he's in the 1940s?

Hooo, I called Young Victoria for costumes.

DO NOT WANT Charlize Theron's dress.

BOOBS BOOBS BOOOOOOOOOBS LOOK AT MY BOOOOOOBS I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE BOOBS. That is what her dress is saying.

BORING I AM BORED.

 

 

Bored now.

I want more Steve & Alec. They're fucking funny, fuck twitter, fuck the haters.

Twunt with the too wide tie & PeeWee shoes just referred to NPH as "an usher that got a rush of blood to the head."

NONE OF THEM KNOW WHO HE IS.

Fuuuuuuuck.

This upcoming tribute to horror movies better fucking not be patronizing and insulting.

I *WILL* go to bed.

No I won't. But I'll be ANGRY ON THE INTERNET.

EEEEW TWILIGHT KIDS GO AWAY.

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT, ARE THEY IMPLYING TWILIGHT IS HORROR?!?!?!?!?!?

I'mma cut a bitch.

This is a good montage, I am squeeing.

Yeah, no, I am SQUEEING. Freddy, Norman, Mikey, Frankie, Bruce Campbell!!!! BEETLEJUICE!!!! AHMAHGAH. NO, I am happy. EEEE KEVIN BACON ARROW IN THE NECK!!!! Come and play with us, Danny!!!!! 

OH GOD NO DON'T SHOW PARANORMAL ACTIVITY I SCREAMED AND I MIGHT CRY SRSLY OMG THAT WAS NOT OK.

OOOH Silence!!! YAY DAMIEN!!!!! Rosemary!

I screamed during the Paranormal Activity bit. That was not ok. Don't do that. THAT WAS NOT OK.

Oooh, yes, Meta-Morgan Freeman, let's DEFINITELY take a look at last year's Acadaemy Award winning film The Dark Knight!!! YES, LET'S!!!!!

Mmmmmmistah J.

Heeeeeee. Freddy got on the Oscars.

I can die happy.

AWWW YEAH Hurt Locker.

That is a weird lookin' dude.

Kstew needs a good slapping. Just.... no more than that. Just what any sullen little teenage bitch needs. A mom-slap.

ALRIGHT, another Hurt Locker!!!! Is this more consolation or is it the start of the sweep? I WON'T JINX IT LIKE I DID MICKEY ROURKE LAST YEAR.

I'm feeling another lack of pictures.

Here. Let me make one.

Oooh Travolta!

I still would. 

I know. The whole Scientology thing, and he's all bloaty and shit, but no. Would.

Just for the sake of Tony Manero and Danny Zuko.

Ok, and Vincent Vega.

Yeah, Sandy Bullock wins the whole look for me tonight. Not just the best dressed. The hair, the face, everything. She looks fucking perfect.

PERFECT.

Look at the part in her hair. PERFECT. She looks glorious.

God, they're rushing this. This is so horrible. 

They've wrecked the Oscars.

And there aren't any performances of the best song nominees. Man. Fuck this. I'm really disappointed this year.

This is not a good Oscars. I'm sorry. Just no.

Fuck. In Memoriam. Gonna cry again.

But Demi's legs are the exact same color as her dress. That's kind of lulzy.

No, I really don't want to watch this.

Oh fuck me, James Taylor.

This is bad bad bad. I'mma cry. A lot.

Yeah. I did.

Fuck. I always forget about Karl Malden & every time I get reminded it's like a punch in the gut again.

You know something?

My dad's hot.

 

I come from good stock.

YES I AM TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM DEAD PEOPLE THAT I FUCKING LOVED. I'm still crushed about Swayze. You have no idea. It was such a bad year.

But, um. SCUSE ME, WHY WAS THERE NO FARRAH FAWCETT OR BEA ARTHUR IN THE MEMORIALS???

Epic fail.

I would reallyreallyreally rather have people performing the best song nominations instead of this dancing to a medley of scores bullshit, please.

I want some food.

HOORAY SOMETHING BEAT AVATAR IN SOMETHING.

I don't even know. I have couscous.

STOP LICKING JAMES CAMERON'S SACK.

We're both flagging. Husband is sleepy, I'm bored. This is the least exciting Oscars EVER. Ugh. 

WTF banjo music?

My cat is pretty.

I DON'T WANNA SEE SAD DOLPHINS.

Whoa, Oscar for epic documentary boobage!!!! 

She's hot. Dude high fived Woody. I bet Woody's into sad dolphins.

Lulz, they broke rules with their silly sign.

Husband: "I'm gonna text Fuck Dolphins to that number."

Yeah. We're not funny anymore. It's 4 in the fucking morning.

HAHAHAAAAA DOUBLE SNUGGIE ON THE OSCARS!!!!

YEEEAH ANOTHER HURT LOCKER WIN!!!

AND YEEEAHHHH SAM RAIMI GOT THANKED!!!!

Win.

Ah, Keanu and your Butthead beard.

 

"Hey baby. Wanna stroke my beard?"

"Damn, we're smooth."

Awwww fuck, Let The Right One In missed being nominated for best foreign film because of its release date. Fuck that shit.

At some point Quentin Tarantino's nose and chin are going to touch, mark my words.

When I grow up, I want to be one of the ladies that gets a pretty dress and walks the winners off the stage.

I have a headache.

Poor little foreign man.

WOOOO KATHY BATES!

Dayum, girl, lookin GOOD.

Fucking christ, but Avatar looks stupid. I'm sorry, LOOK AT IT OBJECTIVELY. It looks STUPID.

Time to pee.

Alright. Best Actor. The Dude? Shall he abide? Probably. Little guy who played Jeffy Dahmer was pretty fuckin' good in The Hurt Locker though.

 

 

Michelle Pfeiffer's so fucking perfect.

You'd think Morgan Freeman as Mandela would be a shoo-in. But it seems to be pretty up in the air. 

I LOVE YOU TIM ROBBINS WHY DID YOU & SUSAN SARANDON HAVE TO BREAK UP?!?!?!

Seriously. That tore my world apart.

Mmmmm Colin Farrell & little Jeffrey Dahmer spooooooning.

NO I DON'T KNOW THE KID'S REAL NAME, I DON'T CARE. SHUT UP.

Oh, Kate Winslet, you're so pretty. And SO FUCKING FILTHY on Extras. Rowr.

I dunno, maybe Clooney or Firth will grab this. I really can't call it. It seems obvious as The Dude, but I don't know.

THE DUDE ABIDES!!!!!!

Haha, all the other guys seem GENUINELY pleased he won. Alright Bridges. Fuck yeah. Awwww he's makin' me cry. <3<3<3

AAWW YEAH SEA HUNT SHOUT OUT!!!!! MIKE NELSON FTMFW!!!

Sorry. I used to scuba dive.

That was hot.

DUDE.

Abide.

Love it.

Ok. Best Actress.

Dunno bout this one.

Love Sandy Bullock, love Other Chick From Precious.

Just terrified there will be weeping angels every time Sally Sparrow.... er... Carey Mulligan comes on.

OMFG WHO IS THAT TERRIFYING PERSON BEHIND AND SLIGHTLY TO THE RIGHT OF HELEN MIRREN???

OPRAH IS ENCOURAGING ME TO SKIP SCHOOL.

SEAN PENN.

That's all, I just wanted to say that.

He's rad.

Ok, who's gonna get this one???

Alright Sandy!!!!

But again, no big shocker.

I think it was called THE BUS THAT COULDN'T SLOW DOWN.

Razzie one night, Oscar the next. Way to go, girl. 

Whoa, she didn't thank her hot husband. Lame.

BABS OMG BABS Y'ALL IT'S BABS!!!!

Ok. Here we go.

The big face-off.

Which way are the big 2 gonna go?

AWWWW YEEEAHHHH BEEEYOTCH!!!!!!! WAY TO GO BIGELOW!!!!!!! 

<3<3<3 Fucking EPIC getting your earth-shattering, history-making Oscar from BABS!!!!!!

I'll feel better if fucking blue-ass-fuckers win best picture now, because this is so goddamn good.

WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT?!?!!?

They were like TOM HANKS GET OUT THERE AND SAY THE FUCKING WINNER NOW NOW NOW GO QUICKLY FOR THE GOOD OF THE CITY.

But YAAAAAY!!!!!! YAAAAAAYYYY!!!! *FLAIL*

Suck that, Avatar. Suck that hard.

Aawwwww, the little actor boys are being so cute back there. Bless their sweet little hearts!!!! They done good.

And now we retire to bed.

Oscars. Pregame.

So, I'mma be doing this again, basically, I guess.
I've got my leopard Snuggie, some knitting, some Tesco Basics vodka, & my husband has the day off tomorrow.
Let's get this party started.

Oscars. British Coverage. Expect Winkleman-hate and increasing drunky-ness. If you don't completely teal deer this, you have my eternal love.

First off: My coverage of the red carpet coverage.

Fearne Cotton's eye makeup looks AMAZING, ye gods, I want her makeup man.
She's apparently right up next to Seacrest in the holding tank, which gets her some propz.

I loves me some Hannah Montana, bitches. Deal with it. So, naturally I wanted to see her dress.

Interrupting myself to say WTF THE FLAGS??? Stupid Fearne did that at the stupid Golden Globes with the stupid British flags, forcing them upon celebrities who clearly DID NOT WANT.

Back to Miley. I wanted to see her dress. But this Sky Movies coverage is showing the top half of celebrities ONLY, as yet. I don't understand it. Only Dominic Cooper is talking to Fearne. No real celebrities will want to talk to her, will they. Ooooh, I might offend some British people. Call the waaaaahmbulance.

For the record, I will be drinking this:
Domaine des Lauriers Vin de Pays D'Oc SYRAH GRENACHE
Thick, rich concentrated dark plum nose. Big and bold with a slightly sweet chocolate flavour. Peppery on the finish. Good balance, structure and depth. A superb red which really outshines its classification - stunning & different!!!

ZOMG Tony Hopkins FTW. He is a sex god. HE LIKES FEARNE'S EYESHADOW TOO, we are soulmates meant to be. Please eat my sweetmeats, Tony, please.

Gotta pee.
Can't. It's back on. Someone I don't know. Ohhhh Zac Efron. Psht.

Also for the record, during tonight's events, I will be working on this (and hopefully finishing it):
Multidirectional Scarf in Noro Silver Thaw given to me by the too-wonderful-to-be-believed and too-cute-to-even-be-real Mimi. You should buy things from her, she is amazing and beautiful. Someday I will snuggle her head and take her to the zoo. Maybe on our holiday with booze and rainbows.

Kevin Kline WIN! He is so best, I love classically trained actors that do comedy films. It makes me very happy in my black little heart. DAMMIT FEARNE, quit trying to winkle out secrets from the people involved in the show. They don't want it spoiled, we don't want it spoiled, DIAF, kthxbai. Not really Fearne, you're ok. But stoppit with the secret-winkling.

Still have to pee.
Ooh, good time, stupid little video about Fearne and someone I've never heard of planning their outfits or some shit.
That was a good pee.
SEACREST FTW!!!!

Commercials.

So here, let's have one from me, our lovely sponsor:

Here is the aforementioned Dream Swatch headwrap from previous post (again with the Simply Soft):
Plz to ignore weird cockatiel hair goin' on in the back.

This British red carpet coverage is, so far, FAIL.
FEARNE - do not stand in front of the dress about which you are asking/commenting. Presenting fail.

My lip balm tastes of violets.

Oh Fearne.... They have weird stock footage from someone else showing the *REAL* celebrities' dresses cut into Fearne's "interviews" of the dregs that will speak to her. Not that Dr Lecter is a dreg. But he may drink me to mine.

Oh, girl-from-Mama-Mia, red dresses on the red carpet just blend in and you look bad in the photos later, even if the dress itself is a masterpiece.

It irks me how British people say "boogie." They say the Boo syllable as though they are a ghost. Americans pronounce the oo as in book. It sounds less silly that way. That word needs all the unsillying help it can get.

Oh gods, it's the Twilight kid. I feel for him. How bad must it feel to have some 13 year old girl come up to you, dripping in blood, having sliced her neck for you.... You being an ACTOR playing a ROLE in a MOVIE. Poor kid, seriously. My mom's insisting I read the books. I may or may not.

OH GOD AMY ADAMS coming up next. Oh golly PRINCESS GISELLE!!!

NOOOOOOOO SARAH JESSICA PARKER LOOKS LIKE A FOOT.

I refuse to look at the tv again til she's gone.
LA LA LA I Can't Hear You, FootFace, your marriage is ending, hahaha, step away from the Matthew who is too good for you, kthxdai.

Josh Brolin? Win. Lookin' nice. Ben Kingsley took a flag, bless his heart. Owen is stewing over Kingsley's not going to the Oscars when he's been invited in the past. He (and I) desperately want to go. Someday when Alamo & Tess is adapted into an Oscar nominated film, we will be there. Oh, Marissa Tomei! Or does she have 1 s? I dunno. She's too bony. Eat something, sweetie. Mickey Rourke on deck, apparently. He loves the UK, he should talk to Fearne. It's so hard to reconcile deeeeeeelicious Angel Heart Mickey with now-Mickey.

I want to see Doubt ever so badly. OOOH MICKEY!! He's such a fascinating man. Deeply, deeply fascinating, I was so sorry to hear about his little doggy Loki. I wish I could've hugged him when I heard. Gaultier suit, Mickey, hot hot hot. Oh!!! He's got a photo of Loki on his chains. Bless. What a dear, dear man.

QUEEN LATIFAH!!!! MAH BIZZNITCH!!! Want to be.

I have to pee again.
Le sigh. Bladder the size of a pea. Smaller than an average pee, however.
HAHAAAA Peter Gabriel, time to go take a whiz.

FEARNE. You've misused "literally." You are off the cool list forever, sweetie, sorry.
Oh, look, Angelina's wearing black. Ho hum. Fantastic earrings, though. Probably real emeralds. That's my birthstone, hunny, WANT.
NOOOOOO NOT CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN. I hate her, she ruins my Oscars every year I've been in Britain.

I lied before, in the previous post about the only thing I care about being Heath FTW. I also really want Mickey Rourke to win his, too. But Heath is my main concern.

My actual Oscars commentary will probably be much shorter and sparser than this. Just a feeling I have. I haven't seen too many of the movies, because, as I've said, we get movies here so late and we're so poor.

"Lovely Tilda Swinton" my ass.

WOW! She has on lipstick, though. That's some props. But no, just no Tilda. Named after a punctuation mark. ~ Swinton is one of my least favorite people.

I want an anchor tattoo on my bicep. And an oldschool mermaid on the other.

This is stupid. People in the VT segments are saying stuff like "Well, we all want Kate and Danny to win because they're BRITISH!" Bullshit. Bullshit, says my BRITISH husband. We want certain people to win because we believe they are the best at what they do.

FEARNE YOU WHORE, you've done it again. "Awards literally coming out of her ears."
NO. FUCKING NO SHE DOES NOT. Literally is NOT a superlative. Stop it. I hate you so much now, Fearne, you were cool, now you're not. Off the list. Forever.

Now, then.

Oscars Coverage-Coverage Starts Here. Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

Right, then. This will be sparser than the red carpet coverage, as there will be less about which to be snarky and I actually want to WATCH most of it.

.....Well. There will still be Claudia effing Winkleman during the American ad-breaks which we don't have as it's on a movie channel here.
*snerk*
Oh, Claudia, I hate you and your fringe and your eyeshadow.

Wow, don't care about Gok Wan's opinions on stars he'll never meet. And he's panned Amy Adams and raved about SJP, I officially hate the man now.
Now he's panning Beyonce. Don't like him. Oh, god, please just stop it, British people.
Props to Portman for pink, though. Alliteration FTW.

Please, stupid British presenters, can we just have the show now?

OH JESUS GOD.
There's an LSG watch-along, I'm Twittering quite a bit of this, and doing this-this. I am fingerdrunk before I am even head-buzzed. This could get ugly.

OH YOU FUCKING HAGS, shut up. I just want to see the goddamn Academy Awards, FFS.

Commercials, jesus, I thought we wouldn't have any. I don't understand British tv, honestly.
Winkleman is a harpy.

FINALLY, the actual show is starting.

Is it can be Oscars time nao plz?

Oh, Hugh Jackman. Hit me with your Wolverine claws, please. Snikt.

Husband re Kate Winslet: "Oh don't start crying already! Bloody woman!"
Lulz.

OH!!! He's gonna sing!!! Thank you, Billy Crystal, for this precedent!
Jackman is a god. Anne Hathaway as Nixon, oh god, this is so great. WIN.

I'm gonna have to switch to caffeine now, it's nearly 2 am.

I've just learned we're getting this awhile after the US coverage so my twittering and LSG-along are fail. I don't want spoilers.

Whoopi looks SMOKIN'. That dress, that tat, oh woman, you are the shit. Shut up, Punctuation Swinton in your clumsily-knotted sack. Props for the lippy, but you need mascara.
Penelope Cruz looks like a My Little Pony.

Ohhhh god, but women speaking Spanish make me damp around the edges.

Nooooo, American commercial breaks mean we have to put up with idiotic British "experts" and "presenters." Please make it stop.

I'm gonna have some Doritos now and knit awhile.

"Writers do not merely write screenplays, they write movies."
Thank you for that, Hugh. I like that quote.

Oh, Tina Fey, you are beauty incarnate.

WHOA!!! Was that Sophia Loren out there in the dark??? Beautiful, beautiful woman. In every sense.
Oooooh, dissing Scientology at the Oscars, balls, yo.

Doritos are not sitting as well as I thought. Craving fail.

Owen and I are thinking that Mickey Rourke's a shoo-in now for Actor because Milk won screenplay. They give that kind of awards to movies that aren't gonna get the biggies. So sorry, Sean Penn. I think he knows it, too, by the look on his face. YAY GLBT SPEECH FTW!!!!

I loves me some ghey Mormons.

Jen should date Jack Black. John Mayer is a shit (ask me, I know). Jen and Jack should hook their hot shit up right now. They could be forever. The knitting is progressing slowly. Too much Twittering, mostly.

Wow, can I just quote my beloved @agnesnutter right now:

OMG so shocking. Wall-E? no. NO ONE IN THE WORLD EXCEPT THE WORLD SAW THAT ONE COMING.

DOMO ARIGATO MISTER ROBOTO speech WIN

Wow, don't care what these British people have to heckle about Hugh's song. What a bunch of stuffed shirt, talking head FAILPEOPLE.

Daniel Craig is SO much prettier than SJP. A clown-porn-star's bloated, drowned corpse's ass cyst is so much prettier than SJP.

I so very much want to see The Duchess. Loved me some Georgiana way before the rest of the world jumped on the bandwagon.

WHAT, SJP, WHAT???
"....That looks like the classic Joker of Batman lore, but with a crazed, psychotic twist."
WHAT????
THE JOKER IS A CRAZED PSYCHOTIC, YOU FUCKING FOOL.
Oh, just shut up.

I would *LOVE* to have tea with Dustin Hoffman.

I have to pee again, brb.

ROFL BEN STILLER, rockin' the Joaquin. Hilarious.
Wow. I've just previewed this for the first time. WTF is up with this formatting? I may hate Blogger now, wtf??? It's fucked all my shit up, what is this black and grey and not fixing sizes when I fix the sizes...

CHRIST, I need to see Pineapple Express. Seth Rogen, also a god.

CALL THE WAAAHMBULANCE for this snooty British bitch, whining about the "amateur presenting" of Seth & co. Jesus. Why do they inflict this shit on us, I'd rather see commercials.

Oh, yes, Hugh, sing some more, DANCE, baby, DANCE. I love how most screamy fangirls know nothing of his musical theatre bakground. Is like a secret we share.

Oh ::fluttersigh:: Beyonce, I love you.
Jackman & B singing songs from Grease = gasm of some sort...

I live for musicals. This is just.... oh god, so beautiful.
OHHHH, it was Teh Baz. Makes sense. Totally FTW.

WOOOHOOOO JOEL GREY!!!
Haha, I accidentally typed Joel Great. Seriously. Freudian, much? He is great. Truly.
Lulz, Cuba. He's a good kid, methinks.

Ohhhh, Mr. Walken. There aren't words. "Best" doesn't even come close.

Oh golly. Kevin's short little description of my puddin' Mistah J made me tear up.

You see, I love the Joker. I have since childhood. When they introduced Harley as a character, I identified right away, hence my diamonds:
My right leg is dedicated to my love of Mistah J, mah Puddin'. And Heath came as close as anyone has to achieving the Joker that lives in my head who is an amalgam of lots of performances/comics/fantasies...


OH HEATH OH HEATH YESS YES YES YES YES.
Oh god yes.
I am happy now.
Officially.
I am happy.

Seriously.

Crying, happy, sad, so happy. So crying. Oh golly.

Beautiful man, beautiful role, beautiful movie, sheer perfection all around.
Perfect.

Anime? This Man on Wire dude's daughter is called Anime??? CHIN BALANCE WIN!

Who is this bitch on the little Brit-fill-in commentary shit that thinks the Oscars aren't allowed to be fun? Seriously, who the fuck is she? Sometimes I really deeply loathe English people.

OHHH SNAP, Will Smith went there. "FANS." LOL. Best ever. Oh, Will, why you gotta be a Scientologist? You're otherwise so fuckin' perfect.

Sigh.

OH YAY DARK KNIGHT FTotherW!!!!
Acebest.

I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm SO TIRED. I'm satisfied with Heath. I would like to see Mickey get his (gods, don't let me have jinxed him there, kthxbai) but most of the rest I don't much care about. I'm exhausted. It's 3:37 am now and I am wilting.

EW, Jerry Lewis FTL. I know he does great things. I know this. But he creeps me right the fuck out.

STEPHANIE BEACHAM - that is the whore that is dissing the Oscars. Saying it's not classy it's not this, it's not that, it's too intimate, it's too funny, blah blah blah, I want her to pack up her dried up old haunted cunt and leave. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.

Jesus FUCK, I'm tired.

Oh, wow! Elfman did the score for Milk.... I was not aware of that. That makes me more likely to want to see it.

COME ON M.I.A. FTW!!!

Damn. Bummer. :(

Shuttup, Winkleman.

Jesus, this is degenerating. I think it started out well, but this is just crap down here. I'm flagging. I'm so fucking sleepy. Wake me when Mickey wins.

Oh no.
In Memoriam.
I'm gonna cry a lot.
Thanks, Queen.

NOOOOOOO!!!! This Beacham BITCH was going on and on about how her leading men were in the In Memoriam section, people she knew and loved, blah blah blah including "ROY SCHNEIDER"
BITCH DID NOT EVEN KNOW HIS FUCKING NAME.
I want her to die.


Ooh, Reese looks awful purty!

Danny Boyle in SHOCK OSCAR UPSET... wait no.

Sophia Loren is a goddess and the GWTW music is making me teary.

Oh golly. I want Shirley MacLaine to say wonderful things to/about me.

Hooray KATE! But yeah, predictable. Not waking me up. Not that she doesn't deserve it, what a great girl and a cool dad in a cool hat.

Adrien Brody is yum.
But not as yum as Anthony Hopkins.
HAAAA, Bob DeNiro FTW!

FUCKING WIN!!!! I FINISHED MY SCARF!!!!



FUCKING FAIL. NOT FAIR. I'm pissed now and so is Mickey. I did jinx him, didn't I??? Christ. Not that I don't love Penn, I do, but Mickey, jesus... Not even fair.

Oh snap!!! Win speech, Mister Penn!!! "Shame." Yes. Shame, indeed. Thank you for that. And thank you for your graciousness to Mickey. I'd heard they'd had their troubles, that was a nice gesture.


K, unsurprised, anticlimactic, bedtime now.

"We're all watching!"

Ohhh, yeah, that helps. :P Puts the fear of god into me, more like.
I'm really happy that it's Oscar day. We take Oscar day really seriously in our house. Since it's on at stupid-o'clock-in-the-morning here, Owen takes the next day off. Really all I care about this year, besides whose dress is fugs and that Tilda Swinton PLEASE fucking slap on just a leetle mascara, is that Heath Ledger win. That's all, that will make me a happy woman for a whole 'nother year. Living in England has seriously fucked up my Oscar enjoyment, as we get movies SO late here. Being poor also doesn't help.
I slept very late today so I could hack the Oscars tonight.
Today I will probably work on my Dream Swatch Headwrap. It's getting really pretty. Maybe I'll take pictures later.
HOLYSHIT they're talking about my college on QI. About this. I had some of my favorite Doyle classes directly across the hall from that shit. Stephen Fry just fucking talked about my tiny little college. I WIN. We also have an elephant under the library.